I Tried
by charmed1s-halliwells
Summary: Chris reflects on his feelings since he came to the past. Set before anyone knew who he really is. Songfic to Pieces by Sum 41. Oneshot. Chris wonders if coming to the past was worth it, and what would happen if he failed.


**I Tried**

**A/N: This is a one shot set when Chris was in the past. He reflects on his mission and the things that he's done. Songfic to "Pieces" by Sum 41. Set before anyone who knows who Chris really is. I do not own Charmed or Sum 41. **

Chris sat alone in the storeroom at P3 which he now called his own. He was pouring over complicated maps and charts, quite oblivious to the world around him. The club was packed, since Piper had managed to book the popular group Sum 41. The crowd was screaming, and the band was playing, but Chris didn't seem to hear any of it. Saving Wyatt was his one and only priority. The fact that the sisters seemed to hate him and were convincing that he was evil made his mission a lot more difficult. He tried not to let them see how much it hurt him when they yelled at him. He tried himself that it wasn't personal, that he didn't need the love of his family. He was just lying to himself, and it didn't even help anyways.

The band began to play their hit song. They said it was called Pieces. For the first time in the whole night Chris actually found himself listening. The words in the song really spoke to him. It was like the ballad of his life. The song was written about him. As he listened to the words, he could feel old repressed memories coming to the surface. Feelings he didn't want to feel became exposed. In anger and frustration, he threw the papers he was reading to the floor. He slumped into a chair and just listened…really listened.

_I tried to be perfect  
But nothing was worth it  
I don't believe it makes me real  
I thought it'd be easy  
But no one believes me  
I meant all the things I said_

That part was certainly true. When he came to the past he had resolved to be the model whitelighter. To save Wyatt, he needed his mother and his aunts to trust him. At first he stuck to old fashioned research methods that were accepted by the good side. That got him nowhere fast. It certainly didn't help in his quest to save Wyatt. From the moment Chris had arrived in the past he had been nothing but truthful. His name was really the only thing he hadn't been completely truthful about. None of it helped. He had still been rejected by the only family he had ever had.

Leo's distrust didn't bother him much. He was use to that. Seeing his mother look at him with hate in his eyes, that hurt more than he could describe. Ever since her death he had felt guilty. Now that she truly did hate him, in a strange way it validated his feelings. When it became clear that his mother's or aunts' past selves would never trust him, he started to resort to different research methods. It was true that they were more effective, but also much darker. He knew that it's wrong to work with demons, but he didn't have many other choices. It's like they wanted him to be an angel like you they think they are. He can't be perfect.

Changing the past is not as easy as it seems. He knew that when he came back here. Chris never expected his family to be so resistant. All he wanted was to fix his time. It wasn't always that terrible, Wyatt wasn't always evil. After the death of their mother, everything had gone downhill. Wyatt had changed, and he wasn't going to change back. The good times were what stopped Chris from killing his older brother. Here in the past, it would be extremely easy to do so. Yet, it was the good times that made him so determined to save his brother. Even if it meant distancing himself from the mother he hadn't seen in years, he would do it to save Wyatt.

_If you believe it's in my soul  
I'd say all the words that I know  
Just to see if it would show  
That I'm trying to let you know  
That I'm better off on my own_

The thing that troubled Chris the most was the immediate hatred his mother had shown him. It was clear that she thought of him as an evil soulless monster. To most people in his time, Wyatt was the monster. When he first turned, none of the family believed Chris when he told them. In fact, they thought that he was the evil one. To make himself feel better he told himself that if his mother was alive, she would have believed him. He was always a momma's boy, turning to his mother in times of need. Piper had always told Chris that he was strong willed. That much remained true, even today. However, the meaner his mother got, the less he had the will to carry on.

He knew in his heart of hearts that Piper didn't mean what she said. She didn't know who he was, and in a logical point of view, her attitude was perfectly understandable. Sometimes, he would wonder if she would react differently if she knew her real identity. The part of him that still felt guilty over her death really took her hatred really personally. Some of the things she said were extremely hurtful. Chris knew that she was only trying to protect her son…her precious Wyatt. Still, on occasion, he wanted to yell that he was her son too and collapse in her arms. He missed his mother terribly, but he cared about his mission much more.

That was the reason he pushed her away. Distancing himself from her was the only thing that could make it hurt less. Saving Wyatt was all that was important. He knew that if he managed to save Wyatt, he would change everything. Chris held on to the hope that saving his brother would also somehow prevent his mother's death. He knew the hope was futile, yet he had to hold on to it none the less. It is what kept him going. It may be selfish, but as long as he had his entire family alive and not evil, he didn't care what happened to the rest of the world. It wasn't such an impossible dream. Chris would do anything to achieve it. If he had to do it alone, so be it.

_This place is so empty  
My thoughts are so tempting  
I don't know how it got so bad  
Sometimes it's so crazy  
That nothing can save me  
But it's the only thing that I have_

It seemed to Chris like he had always been alone. His life seemed to be split into two parts; life with his mother, and life without her. After his mother had died, everything had gotten worse from there. The death of his mother had left a whole that he knew he could never fill. He had been very depressed after that, almost ending his own life. Even after Wyatt had begun to change, he never expected the world to just go to hell like that. It did, and if he failed, it would only get worse.

There were only two people he had left. They were only two reasons that he was here. He loved his cousin Prue and his fiancé very much. He would do anything for them, even sacrifice himself. He often worried what would happen if Wyatt ever found them. At least he didn't have to worry about Bianca anymore, since Wyatt murdered her. He hoped that by being here in the past, he could prevent that. Maybe he could prevent every horror that Wyatt had inflicted upon him.

Chris knew that his younger cousin often worried about him. He couldn't really blame her. He wasn't really surprised at her concern. He wasn't the type that would liberally show his emotions. However, the mask he put up to hide his emotions would crumble every time Bianca or Prue was near him. They alone knew how much everything affected him. Bianca understood that it was his way of grieving, and she just left him to it. Prue wanted to save him. He knew that his cousin did it out of love, but she should know better, No one could ever help him.

_If you believe it's in my soul  
I'd say all the words that I know  
Just to see if it would show  
That I'm trying to let you know  
That I'm better off on my own_

All he could really do was continue with his mission. He had the firm belief that saving Wyatt would fix everything. There was a nagging fear in the back of his mind that wondered what would happen if it didn't fix everything. What if he failed? If that happened, he didn't know if he would be able to go back. He would be free from Wyatt and the world he knew. Never going back would be abandoning Prue, and he couldn't do that. If he failed though, he would rather abandon her than have to face her.

Chris was a good person. At least…that's what he wanted to believe. It was true that he always had good intentions. Good intentions didn't keep people alive. His aunts had died because he wasn't persistent enough in warning them about Wyatt. He didn't want them to be disappointed in him, so he didn't pursue the subject when they refused to believe that Wyatt was evil. Those were only two of the deaths he was responsible for. If he had done only a few things a little differently hundreds of people who were now dead would be alive. He knew it was up to him to save them, and the pressure was killing him.

_On my own_

Chris often found himself alone in P3. His family completely rejected him, so they didn't want to be anywhere near him. If someone he didn't even know had done some of the things he had been forced to do, he wouldn't trust them either. Knowing that didn't stop it from hurting. Alone, all he could do was dwell on the pain. He missed Prue. She was the only family he had left. Here he had no one. He was truly alone. There was no one there with him, no one to share the burden. Alone he lost all confidence he had in himself.

_I tried to be perfect  
It just wasn't worth it  
Nothing could ever be so wrong  
It's hard to believe me  
It never gets easy  
I guess I knew that all along_

Chris knew that he had done certain things that were not to be proud of. Still, he knew that it was what it took to save Wyatt. That was much more important than the image of a perfect do gooder. Normally, he would try to avoid working with demons, but there was so much at stake in this particular mission. All he had succeeded at doing so far was losing the trust of his mother and his aunts. It wasn't like they had never done a deal with evil beings before to save someone they loved.

Before he had come to the past, he came up with a clear and precise plan on the way things would work. He would go to the past, become their whitelighter, find the demon that turned Wyatt and kill it. Unfortunately, things weren't as simple as that. Chris knew it would be hard before even casting the spell that brought him here. His great grams once said "Destiny always gets its own way. It's not as easy to change the past as you think. If you do it incorrectly, everything will change." He had always hoped she was being a bit dramatic. His gut told him she made a good point. He just hoped that Wyatt's destiny wasn't to be an evil tyrant.

He scolded himself for thinking that Wyatt's destiny might be an evil one. He thought that from time to time, however wrong he knew it was. Wyatt was born from the most good humanly possible. The son of a whitelighter and a Charmed One was destined to be good, no matter what anyone said. Chris knew since the time he thought up this hair brained scheme of his that it would be far from easy. He had to do this to get destiny back on the right track. The time for self doubt was over. It was time to finish what he started. Wyatt Matthew Halliwell would be saved whether the Charmed Ones liked it or not.

_If you believe it's in my soul  
I'd say all the words that I know  
Just to see if it would show  
That I'm trying to let you know  
That I'm better off on my own_

This internal battle of sorts calmed Chris down quite a bit. He wasn't the evil one. That much he knew for sure. No one could tell him other wise. If he failed, then he would blame himself, whether it was his fault or not. All he could do now was try to save his brother the only way he knew how. Doing all he could was never before an option for Chris. He would usually do something right, or not at all. Like so many other times in his young life, he had no other choice.

As the band played the final chords of the song, Chris got up from his seat and stretched his weary legs. The song was over now, there was silence, and Chris was once again left with his tormented thoughts. For some unknown reason, this song had opened up the emotional floodgates for him. He didn't want to be alone anymore, for he had just realized how alone he truly was. As he cleaned up his myriad of papers, a single tear made the lonely path down his cheek…


End file.
